People are inquisitive when it comes to fertility. When someone asks, “Are you infertile?,” it can be hard to know what to say. Whether you’re open with people about your struggle with infertility or chosen to keep quiet about it, uncomfortable situations do come up.
In many cases, it’s because people don’t understand how difficult infertility is or they are clueless about the possibility that you might be struggling.
Talk with your partner about what you will say to people so you’re on the same page. If one of you discusses it openly and the other isn’t comfortable with that, it adds stress to an already stressful situation.
It is essential that you decide whether you’ll be open about the cause of infertility or not. Perhaps your husband doesn’t want everyone to know that his sperm count is the issue, or the wife doesn’t want people to know that she has an ovulation disorder — in that case, you can agree to say that you’re tackling it as a couple or describe it as “our problem.”
As a couple challenged by infertility, it’s your right to feel entitled to keep silent. No one expects you to share details of your sex life, so why should you have to share details of your struggle to have children which includes your sex life?
You don’t really owe anyone an explanation for your situation, however, if someone asks, you can politely answer that you don’t know, or that you’d rather not talk about it.Do what feels right to you, and not essentially what you think others want to hear.
But even if you need to talk about your issue, it is not obligatory that you elaborate. Keep it vague. There’s no need to go into detail. Sometimes all that’s needed is a simple statement, as most people won’t press for details anyway, and even if they do, let them know it’s a private matter.
It’s useful to confide in trusted family members or friends. The benefit of this is that they can help steer conversations away from sensitive topics on your behalf. It also makes you feel supported and like someone’s on your side.
Again, you don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to. You can simply say, you’re experiencing some challenge trying to get pregnant, that it’s not been easy, and you’d love to have their support.
If you’re comfortable opening up, know that you’re doing your part to educate people on a topic that they may not know anything about. Most people are sympathetic when they hear how difficult it is to be in your shoes.
They may even have a friend or family member who is childless (and not by choice) and may appreciate hearing from you what infertility is like. Don’t feel like you have to be an infertility ambassador, but the more people who become sensitive to it, the less chance people will presume that everyone can have kids whenever they choose. You may even discover that other friends are going through the same thing.
Finding support when dealing with infertility is essential. Friends and family can lend some of that support, but only if you tell them you’re struggling. They may not give perfect support, but even imperfect support is better than none.
It isn’t so much you should tell friends and family members, but exactly which individuals you should open up to, and what things you should share? Considering the pros and cons of telling particular people can help you make the best choice.
A benefit to sharing is that you’ll get fewer questions and queries like, “When are you going to have kids?” If you tell them that you’re trying but having problems, they may stop pressuring you.
Telling your friends about your infertility problems can help when potentially uncomfortable situations arise, such as baby showers. If your friends know about your infertility, they will probably be more understanding. The number one benefit of sharing is getting.
If you’re worried that people can’t support you without having gone through infertility, think again. They may not completely understand your experience, but they can offer empathy and support on some level.
The downside to sharing is that people don’t always know how to react to such information. Not that they don’t want to be helpful, but that they’re just not sure how and may be giving you a lot of unwanted advice or may try to make you feel that there’s an easy solution.
The knotty question is who do you open up to, and how? Telling your parents may be a good idea or a bad idea, it depends on the circumstances. Ask which is easier—dealing with the occasional “When are you going to have kids” question, or listening to how all of this is “your fault?”
The ideal is to find a few good people to confide in. Don’t feel obligated to tell someone just because he or she is a good friend. It may be that your best friend isn’t the best person to confide in and that a good friend at work would be the perfect person to seek support from.Make choices based on what’s best for you, and not based on who you think deserves to know.
You also have the option to tell everyone about your infertility struggles but there are pros and cons to being open.
When you speak out about infertility, you’re advocating for the entire trying to conceive community. On the other hand, you also have to be ready to deal with inappropriate comments and people who don’t know how to handle these subjects in a sensitive way.
Along with deciding who to tell, you will also need to consider what you want to share. It is personal and there are no right or wrong answers, but there is need for caution.
You may or may not want to give details of what’s causing your infertility: This may open you up to more unwanted advice or judgments. Also, if it’s your partner who is infertile, you must get their permission to share. On the plus side of sharing details, it may allow you to educate others on what really causes infertility.
When you’re in the middle of a treatment cycle: Telling people means you’ll have support when you need it most, and this can really help. On the negative side, you’ll likely also have a lot of people asking, “If it worked.”It’s important to also have support from those who understand infertility.
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