•Clerics, others seek end to violence against women
FATTEH HAMID captures the angst of women subjected to domestic violence and ways to curb the repulsive act
A domestic violence survivor who gave her name only as Moji was calm as our correspondent took her on a journey into the past which she vividly recalled but unwilling to hold onto. The lady said consistent bullying and abuse in front of her kids was the straw that broke the camel’s back regarding her union.
She noted that she had to quit the marriage when she realised that she had to run for her dear life.
Moji said, “My two kids were there as the beatings persisted and there was a time my ex-husband threatened to break a bottle on my head. He told my eldest child of eight years then to pour a prepared pot of soup on my clothes carefully arranged in a box.
“We got married at a young age. It was all fun and filled with happiness when we started out. He was the most caring husband one could ever wish for. He changed overnight for inexplicable reasons and I am sure that I want the best for him. After many interventions by both families and nothing fruitful seemed to come out of it, I left the house with my luggage and headed to Lagos from Osun state without informing him. I left my two boys in his care. After I left, he appeared to calm down. He returned to beg me but I am afraid for my life. I didn’t return.’’
Asked how she had been coping after she left her matrimonial home, the mother of two declared that life had been beautiful with God’s help.
She added, “I wouldn’t have known what would happen to me if I had stayed. I don’t want to know so why wait at all? I have my life to live. I faced the ministry in a new light I found and remarried in 2013, 10 years after the separation. Many friends were concerned about my decision not to enter into another union after leaving my former marriage. I knew that I needed to learn because apparently, I had my own faults too in the saga with my ex-husband. I handled some issues immaturely too but they didn’t deserve excess beatings. Within the space of those 10 years, I learnt all I needed while waiting on God for direction.’’
The recent passing on of a popular gospel singer, Mrs Osinachi Nwachukwu, provoked anger on social media and across the country when her death was linked to domestic violence.
Several reports by those close to the 42-year-old Ekwueme crooner abundantly alleged that she was subjected to abuse by her husband, Peter Nwachukwu, thus nullifying earlier claims that she died of throat cancer.
Some of the reports suggested that the singer died as a result of a cluster of blood in the chest from the kicking she got from her husband. Peter, who denied the allegation and claimed that his wife had been ill before she passed on, is currently cooling his heels in police custody. The police however said they were conducting an autopsy on the remains of the singer.
The development caused many domestic violence survivors to condemn the disgusting act and many in toxic relationships to speak out.
Troubling DV cases
Narrating her experience to Saturday PUNCH, a United States of America-based DV survivor, Dr Linda Agu, who now runs counselling for victims, said she didn’t realise she was being violated until a night she was locked outside after she returned home from church and had to take shelter in a friend’s house.
She said, “I went to church one Tuesday and when I came back, he had locked me out. I got home at about 9pm. I rang the bell, and called the home phone several times but no response. I could see him from the window, he knew I was outside as I was banging on the door. I also left multiple voice messages on the answering machine begging him to allow me inside but he refused. I called a friend, who came to pick me up at about 1am.
“My friend told me I was being abused and I needed to report it to the authorities. I was afraid and didn’t take any action. After enduring many years of abuse, I had enough and couldn’t take it anymore. I reported it to the police. By this time, my clothes, passport and other personal belongings were seized. I reported it to the police and he was given a restraining order. He had to leave the house I feared for my life every night, that he could come to the house and kill me. So, I ran out of the house to stay with a family. I lived with this family and their children for about two years before I was able to get my place.”
Agu, who said she migrated from Nigeria to the US to join her ex-husband after a couple of years, added that six months after she joined him, life was becoming boring and unbearable.
She stated the more she stayed at home without work, the more the abuse and she was getting more frustrated.
Linda also noted that leaving an abusive relationship was a difficult thing to do for victims, saying it would take much time to heal from abuse.
She further said that the healing time varied depending on how deep-rooted it was for different persons.
Agu added, “When I left the abuse, I was able to get help through a support group. Here in the US, we have many support groups so it was easy to get help. It took a lot of courage from me. First and foremost, I came to the realisation that I had enough and it would be wise for me to get out now while I can, I took in all the help I was offered. Looking back in hindsight, this is the best decision I have ever made in my life.”
She noted that she now ran sessions for victims, adding that it was great to have her self confidence back after many years of living with DV.
Agu explained, “It feels great to be able to live my authentic self. My self-confidence has been restored, my joy has returned and my self-worth has been regained. I have moved from surviving to thriving DV. I am making a positive impact in the lives of women by being an advocate of DV. Despite my incredible story of resilience and perseverance, I do take time to heal, nurture myself and surround myself with support groups that foster thriving after DV.
“At first, it’s difficult for the victim to open up and trust you. But when you start speaking with the victim with empathy they begin to relax over time and open up. For the majority of the victims, their greatest concern is how to start life again or where to go from here? I set up a time to speak with them. The frequency varies based on their availability. I make them aware that their safety is my greatest concern. I provide support and assist the victim in working on a safety plan.”
A few days back, a neighbour videoed a pregnant woman being battered by her husband in their home in Ogbere Housing Estate, Ibadan, Oyo State.
The state police spokesperson, Adewale Osifeso, stated that investigation had begun into the case. In a viral video, the woman was seen being pummelled by her husband and she wailed that he was fond of beating her over flimsy disagreements.
The woman with a black eye cried, saying “O tun n naa mi leyin to fo mi loju, so fe pa mi ni? (After giving me a black eye, you are still beating me. Do you want to kill me?).”
She was also heard saying that he could have removed her pregnancy with his punches and kicks. Unconfirmed reports indicated that the man beat his wife over Sahur, the pre-dawn meal usually taken by Muslims in preparation for fasting during Ramadan.
Similarly, a bride-to-be, Ada Aburu, called off her traditional marriage (Igba Ngwu) and white wedding due to alleged beating she constantly received from her fiancé.
On her Facebook page, Aburu said she called off her wedding slated for Saturday, April 16, 2022 (today) because of incessant abuse by her supposed husband-to-be.
She further stated in the post that she cannot lead the rest of her life in domestic violence because the man was filled with rage, claiming that he constantly beat her with sticks, a belt and a broom.
She added that many times he attempted to use his hammer on her not minding whatever situation she might be in. She disclosed that he had completed the first and second stage of her family’s request on bridal list and payment of bride price on December 28, 2020, stating that the abuse started after completion of the process.
She said, “Beating me was not part of the agreement in marriage.” She noted that she had been in the toxic relationship for over a year as her supposed husband hit and abused her at the slightest provocation. According to her, an instance of his abuse was on Monday, April 4, 2022, due to a misunderstanding, he beat her mercilessly and then proceeded to his mother’s kitchen to pick a cutlass.
She narrated that sensing that he wanted to pick up a weapon; she locked the door from behind, noting that he forcefully broke the door and wanted to cut her into pieces.
Aburu explained that it took the intervention of his mother, sisters and some neighbours to prevent an ugly incident.
She said, “Please to my family and friends, I am so sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you. But I will not end up with a man who always promises that if I don’t kill him, he will kill me. I am still suffering from an unstoppable headache from the head injury he gave me three weeks ago. The ‘bride price’ will be returned in due time. Please respect my choices. Thanks and God bless you all.”
Lost to domestic violence
Sadly, some women have lost their lives to domestic violence though the act is not limited to only women.
There were many cases and some of them reported. In 2021, the police in Ogun State said they arrested a 24-year-old man, Mojiyagbe Olamilekan, for allegedly stabbing his wife, Seun Mojiyagbe, to death with a pair of scissors.
The incident occurred on Wednesday at the Oke-Ola area of Ode Remo in the Remo-North Local Government Area of Ogun State.
Also in the same year, the force headquarters disclosed that operatives of the Intelligence Response Team arrested four suspects in connection with the abduction and killing of one Mrs Nneka Kalu, earlier reported missing.
The police stated that the woman’s husband, Kalu, procured the services of his co-accomplices to abduct and kill his wife to inherit her assets, including landed property, money in the bank and a thriving business.
Last year, a woman, Ramota Soliu, allegedly killed her husband, Bello Soliu, at a Fulani settlement located at Iyana Ilewo, Abeokuta-North Local Government Area of Ogun State.
It was gathered that the mother of two kids poured hot water on her husband which eventually led to his demise.
Last month, a 42-year-old man, Efe Erinoja, was arrested by the police for allegedly beating his wife to death in Orerokpe, in the Okpe Local Government Area of Delta State. It was learnt that the man committed the crime after a misunderstanding with his wife.
Staggering statistics amid condemnation
The National Human Rights Commission has said that it received over 1.7 million sexual and gender-based violence complaints in 2021.
The NHRC Director Women and Children Department, Harry Obe, disclosed this on NTA’s Good Morning Nigeria’s breakfast show monitored by The PUNCH.
In Kano alone, between January and March 2022, a total number of 266 cases of domestic violence were reported.
This was disclosed by the Kano State office of the NHRC. The commission’s coordinator, Shehu Abdullahi, made the disclosure when speaking to journalists in Kano on Tuesday. He highlighted a total number of 52 complaints in January, 153 in February and 85 in March.
Some Nigerians have reacted to the rising cases of domestic violence in the country. Many took to social media to ventilate their views.
A commenter identified as Olurote who commented on PUNCHOnline said, “Violence against anyone whether woman, man or children is bad and should be prevented. If the husband is found culpable, he should be prosecuted using the full weight of the law.”
A tweep, @kirstiealley, said, “I don’t think women should be given long prison sentences for killing men who have beat the hell out of them for years. They should have the right to defend themselves and not have to wait till the guy has a gun to their heads.”
Another tweep, @Dirawn, tweeted “…if your man is in the habit of beating you; now is the time to walk away o, else, he will kill you someday!! Men who beat women don’t change!”
Religious, legal perspectives
In his comment, a prominent cleric and author, Abdurrauf Saeed, otherwise known as Abu Mazidatil Khayr, said that violence was generally condemned in Islam and strongly frowned upon in marriage especially.
Saeed said, “Marriage in Islam is expected to be an abode of comfort and peace according to the Holy Qur’an. It’s strange to find Muslim couples unleashing terror on one another, domestic violence is alien to Islam, for Islam has ways of resolving conflict to prevent it from degenerating into violence.”
He further advised that when marriage was becoming toxic, divorce would become an option in Islam. He said, “Divorce is the option in Islam when a marriage becomes toxic and other permissible means of the shari’ah to resolve the conflict have failed.
“The man holds the key to the decision in a divorce in Islam. But if he refuses to release the woman, then she has the privilege of redeeming herself from the marriage through the process of Khul’u which will be ultimately declared by the Islamic court. Thus, she frees herself from domestic abuse and painful experiences.”
Also, Pastor Harrison Ayintete of The Refinery Church International, noted that the position of Christianity on abuses and violence in marriage was the position of the church about life.
He stated, “We all know that Christianity is pro-life and death is an enemy of God. Domestic violence is a kind of violence, thus an atmosphere of death and destruction. God is not the author of such evil. The first point of DV is not about marriage but about life. We are not even allowed to hate our enemies or hurt them, how can we then support lynching, beating, or killing our own spouses? It is impossible. Every doctrine on marriage in the epistles speaks of love, honour, goodness, kindness, passion, humility, grace, beauty and others. Thus, Christianity is against domestic violence or violence of any kind.”
On what a woman could do when in a toxic marriage, the clergyman added, “Since marriage is one of the relationships we engage in, the epistles take precedence on such matters too. If a wife wrongs her husband or the husband wrongs the wife, there must be a confession of sins to one another and forgiveness. However, in the case of DV, seeing that it has to do with death and aggression, fleeing the space of aggression, persecution or death is the first and basic response. This response is not even first a Christian response; it is a human response to run from evil. This is basic. Jesus often moved away from folks who planned to kill Him before it was His appointed time to be killed. Paul ran from city to city, escaping death. Once he was let down through the window in a basket. The early church was persecuted and they all ran away from the space of danger, scattering and preaching the gospel as they ran. Running away from the space of danger is basic, godly and simple. Now, if the aggressor is unrepentant and willing to do more harm and then divorce can come in after many attempts by the pastorate to intervene in the situation.”
He advised that marrying the right person was the most crucial decision, saying, “It doesn’t matter the seed you plant on bad soil, it will not grow. You must be a person of godly character and choose one who shares the same character and regard for God’s word.
“We must marry when we are independent and capable of handling life in all its forms. We must be financially independent, mentally mature, spiritually capable, socially aware, etc. When we enter marriage as full adults, we can take control of narratives and do what needs to be done in case things go bad. We must be a part of local churches with godly pastoral oversight. It is also important we marry folks who don’t defer their pastors, folks who listen to their pastors. There are folks who are recalcitrant like a brute horse. No one can talk to them, no one can correct them, no voice of correction at all. Never marry anyone who doesn’t respect spiritual authority, it ends badly.’’
On her part, Executive Secretary, Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency, Mrs Titilola Vivour-Adeniyi, who’s also a lawyer at the Lagos State Ministry of Justice, described domestic violence as a crime punishable by the law with 5-14 years jail term depending on the gravity of the violence.
She said, “During the COVID-19 lockdown, there was a massive increase in domestic violence and it was referred to as the shadow pandemic. It became a phenomenon and it wasn’t just peculiar to us in Nigeria, it was indeed a shadow pandemic. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve only started scratching the surface, domestic violence is one if not the most underreported crimes in Nigeria and even the world at large.”
She noted that as much as domestic violence was, the culture was gradually being broken with more people having faith in the system.
Vivour-Adeniyi added, “People are more aware of support services that exist and that they can take advantage of, people are more aware of places they can go to for self-help.’’
She stated further that it was a disturbing trend needing the government’s appropriate response and possibly prevention of abuses in the first instance.
Vivour-Adeniyi said that it was a beautiful thing that Lagos State and some states in the country had what was referred to as protection of restraining order basically restraining abusers from perpetrating any other form of violence.
According to her, it is found in the Protection Against Domestic Violence Law in Lagos and others who replicated the law in their states.
On the point of action for victims, she said, “When survivors come forward, there’s no real evidence, no medical report, no police statement, because a victim doesn’t have time to preserve evidence. However, when it does happen, it is encouraged to document, even filing a report at the nearest police station is important also. If pain or injury is experienced, they should immediately notify the closest hospital to them. And if there’s an opportunity to take pictures, they should be taken and backed up somewhere safe or by sending them to a trusted friend or relative. These are important when there’s the need to file a formal redress or sue.’’
Besides, she disclosed that the Babajide Sanwo-Olu administration had been a huge part of increase in reporting of domestic violence cases in the state due to its declaration of Zero Tolerance to all forms of Gender-Based Violence, adding that the Attorney General and Commissioner for Justice, Mr Moyosore Onigbanjo, SAN, had been personally prosecuting the cases.
Similarly, the African Women Lawyers Association urged victims to seek judicial reprieve from an abusive marriage. The call was made in an interview with the News Agency of Nigeria in reaction to Osinachi’s death.
Chairperson, AWLA Ogun State chapter, Mrs Ebere Obiora, said victims should speak out without fear.
She said, “My advice is that men and women should be free to choose whether to stay unmarried or not as being single is never a taboo.
“Red flags in marriages are warning signs and should not be overlooked for any reason, so, once a marriage becomes abusive, the woman must speak out so that proper steps will be taken to guard against tragedy.’’
Obiora further stated that the Violence Against Persons Prohibition Laws (commonly referred to as the VAPP) had criminalised domestic abuse thus making victims confident to report such crimes.
In the same vein, NAN reported that the Publicity Secretary, Nigerian Bar Association Ota branch, Mrs Chinelo Nonyelu-Olayanju, while noting that domestic abuse could also affect men, described the spate of women as alarming. She urged victims of violence to take proper steps to ensure their survival and continued happiness.
“Thanks to social media that have kept us abreast with information like this. Women have a lot of roles to play in life whether as caregivers, daughters, wives, or mothers, and these roles can only be played when they treat lives as “sacred.” Women must learn to say ‘No’ to violence of any sort be it emotional, psychological, physical, or even financial; and they must do this regardless of what people will or might say.”’
A member of the International Federation of Women Lawyers, Ms Funmi Adeogun, also urged every woman to shun acts of stigmatisation on grounds of being separated or divorced.
Adeogun said, “Being alive to see your children grow and to reap the fruits of your motherly care is more important than putting your life on the line by enduring violence. It is meaningless, seeking to prove a point to people who may not understand your plight; so, you must call for help the moment you perceive elements of abuse in your union.’’
The NAN also reported that the Minister of Women Affairs, Pauline Tallen, advised Nigerian women to speak out when in a marriage full of violence.
She gave this advice at a world press conference organised by Women Radio 91.7FM and Nigerian Women Trust Funds on “the Landmark Judgment on 35% Affirmative Action for Women on April 6, 2022.”
Tallen noted, “We are still mourning our sister, the lady with the golden voice, who had suffered humiliation, pains till her death. Women must come out and speak; all men and women of conscience should always come out and speak. We call on neighbours where this act is being perpetrated to come out and speak. It is so sad that many women are living in an abusive marriage but are afraid to leave just because of what the society will say.’’
The minister said though she was not in support of divorce, she urged that wherever women were being subjected to all forms of violence, they should speak out. Though she (Osinachi) is a twin, her twin sister cannot play her role. She is gone,” she said.
The minister, who condemned the late singer husband’s attitude toward the deceased, said it was until she spoke one-on-one with the singer’s children that their father’s violent act was revealed. Tallen stated, “Her story is appalling. The man is bad. I spoke with her four children who said that the father told them not to tell anyone of their mother’s experience. I called the children separately and spoke to them, the first son spoke to me and opened up. He took me to the second child in another room and narrated the ugly experience too. I have spoken with Mr President on this and he is committed and we will follow it to the letter. The Inspector General of Police is also involved.’’
She called for quick dispensation of justice on the matter, saying “justice delayed is justice denied.”
NGO interventions
Vivour-Adeniyi described Non-Governmental Organisations as one of the most important agencies in the fight against domestic violence.
She said because NGOs tackle the issue from the grass-roots, they were the first point of call most times for victims of domestic violence, stating that their contribution cannot be underestimated.
Some of the NGOs also support victims through their healing process, giving shelter to some, providing medical help to those in need and helping needing mental and psychological help.
A United Kingdom- based pharmacist who is also the founder of Nigerian Child Protection Trust, Mrs Tobore Emorhokpor, said that domestic abuse had been going on for a long time, adding that there was an increase in reporting and more attention given on social media.
The convener of the End Child Sexual Group said that the high cost of living and COVID-19 added to stress within families and caused an increase in domestic violence worldwide.
Emorhokpor, whose NGO provides support for victims of domestic violence across Nigeria, added, “I grew up seeing domestic abuse around me. I have a love I cannot explain to people. I like everyone around me to be happy and excel in life. That is what motivates me to help women in such a dilemma. I see the effect of growing up in a violent home on children and I don’t want children growing up experiencing that. They grow up damaged. I always say it is better to grow up in a peaceful one parent home than in a war zone with both parents.
“We have helped quite a number of women by referring them to relevant agencies that can support them in their local cities. It is not a one-off thing and these women need regular support, counselling and monitoring. We have helped a few flee their states and relocate. Helped others pay their rent and start a business so they do not have to go back to their abusers.’’
She also advised women to be conscious of the little red flags abusers show before marriage.
Emorhokpor said, “A lot of women see the signs before marriage but they think they can pray for a man to change. No, they cannot do that and neither are they saviours. Women should understand that not all men should be married and not allow the pressure of being single to push them into hellish marriages. If he is too controlling, if he cuts you off from family and friends, if he asks you to submit your salary to him, if he polices what you wear, if he is too jealous, if he asks you to change your phone number, please run. If you have not had children yet, please leave. Do not think or believe those who tell you that children will change him? Children do not change such situations, instead they make them worse. Stop having children with someone who mistreats you. Leave while you can and rebuild your life. Look for family and friends to support you to get back on your feet. Leave to live.’’
Copyright PUNCH.
All rights reserved. This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or in part without prior express written permission from PUNCH.
Contact: [email protected]
