Taiwo Akerele, a former Chief of Staff to the Edo State Governor Godwin Obaseki, speaks to ALEXANDER OKERE about parenting and how he adjusted to the changes that came with fatherhood
What is your perception about parenting?
It means taking responsibility, charting a course for the children you have been blessed with by God, and guiding them to fulfill their dreams. It also means giving protection to young people put under one’s care through one’s patrimonial line.
What kind of father would you say you are?
I am hardly around but any time I am around, I give it my all and try to catch up with what I think may be the gap that may have been created while I was away.
In which year did you become a father?
I got married 17 years ago. I got married in 2006 at the age of 30.
At 30, would you say you started late?
I think that was a perfect time because I know some of my friends who became fathers at the age of 24 or 25. I became a father years after I completed my National Youth Service Corps programme. When I graduated I had the opportunity to work and save some money before getting married. My wife had a child shortly after our wedding, so it was a perfect time.
Do you think you would not have done better if you had become a father before you turned 30?
If I had become a father earlier than that, I wouldn’t have known the value. I would have made some mistakes that would not have helped me to build a good home. Before I turned 30, I lived with people who were married and learnt some lessons from them. These helped me to build my own home.
How many children do you have?
In Africa, we don’t count children but as of the last count, I has four.
What factors did you consider before you and your wife decided to have children?
Typically in Africa, when one gets married, there is a social pressure that tends to expect one’s wife to have a child after some time. But we were lucky to have children shortly after our wedding. We got married in 2005 and in 2006, my wife had our first child. My mother-in-law was around to take care of the baby, which is normal in Africa. We were not under any social pressure. I was in Lagos then as a banker and my wife was a young accountant.
Were you present at the hospital when your wife had your first child?
Yes, I was there at the hospital somewhere in Isolo (Lagos). It was on a Monday or Tuesday. I was at work when my wife called to tell me that she was due, so I went home and took her to the hospital. I was there (at the hospital throughout the night). She had the child at 3am. I was physically present but it was not a palatable experience for me.
How did you feel when you saw your first child?
I felt sorry for my wife but happy that she had the child safely. The process leading to the delivery was very emotional because it was her first experience, so she did not find it funny at all.
Did fatherhood create limitations for you?
No, it did not because I was still able to do the things I was supposed to do. For instance, I was studying for a master’s degree at the University of Ibadan at that time and also working as a banker. But in Africa, there is a support system, relatives come around to support the mother. However, a man should create the time to relate with the baby by returning home early so that the baby can identify him as the father and separate him from other visitors. I made efforts to ensure that my son knew me well.
What did fatherhood teach you that you wouldn’t have learnt as a bachelor?
It taught me that parenting is teamwork and not a job for one person. Raising a child should not be left to the mother alone to do. In the early days when my son was born, I had to allow my wife to sleep while I was awake to take care of the baby. So, fatherhood taught me to share responsibilities. After taking care of the baby till he slept at 5am, I could not sleep because I had to prepare for work as a banker working in Apapa. Until the children can do things for themselves, every responsibility has to be shared between the mother and father.
How did you balance your work and family life as a young banker?
A man will always be a man but I realised I was no longer a bachelor, so I had to create time to be at home. I used to take my wife and son to the office when I had work to do at the weekend. They waited in the car while I did Saturday banking for some hours and on our way home, I took her to the market to shop. So, I shared my free periods with my family and took my work seriously. Every man has to know that his life changes significantly from his wife’s period of pregnancy, her delivery up till the time the child reaches the age of two.
You served as Chief of Staff to the Edo State Governor Godwin Obaseki, how did you cope with being away from your family due to the responsibilities that came with the job?
It was not easy but the luck I had was that they were not in Benin City with me, so I had to take out time to see them every weekend or every other time that I was free. It was not easy because they used to call to complain when someone offended them, so I had to resolve their issues virtually. It was not easy holding the position of chief of staff and combining it with family affairs. I felt sorry for my wife. Leaving the government was one of the happiest periods for me, considering that it gave me the opportunity to have time for my wife and children.
How do you spend time with them?
During holidays, I deliberately spend time with them. Even the governor was aware that I had to leave before Christmas, irrespective of what was happening in the state, to spend Christmas with my family.
What was your most fearful moment as a dad?
There were usually moments characterised by tension during my wife’s first pregnancy. It was a tough time for her and I felt like I committed an offence by making her pregnant. She looked at me in a way that suggested that I was responsible for her pain. It made me wonder whether the baby did not belong to the two of us. I had to bribe her by buying her ice cream and other things to pamper her.
There is an ongoing debate over who should take responsibility for the moral upbringing of a child, regarding the recent incident involving a pupil of Chrisland Schools. What is your opinion?
It is 70 per cent more on the part of the parents and 30 per cent on neighbours and teachers at school. I take 70 per cent of the responsibility for whatever my child becomes, whether good or bad because the children are always at home unless they are kept in a hostel. I don’t believe in putting children in a hostel when they are not mature; by that, I mean when they are ready to go to the university. Any child kept in a hostel for pre-senior secondary school can be subjected to abuse because the age of maturity is not on their side. It is the responsibility of the parents to teach their children morality. The teachers at school are there to teach them how to read and write but science and arts don’t amount to morality or good and bad. I was taught good behaviour at home, not at school.
How do you instil discipline in your children?
There is no compromise. I have to discipline my children. The moment I see them messing up, I correct them immediately. My children understand what a cane symbolises, so when I mention it, everybody falls in line. I don’t have to use it on them but I keep it where they can see it. The Bible even supports that one shouldn’t spare the rod because that could spoil the child.
As an Igarra man from Akoko Edo, Edo State, what are the values you learnt from your parents that you have passed onto your children?
I teach them to greet their seniors when they wake up in the morning. That is important. I teach them to sweep the house. My children don’t go to school without ensuring that their rooms are clean. They don’t leave that for their mother. I teach them to tell strangers they are content with what they have when they offer them gifts because that gives them a sense of dignity growing up. I also teach them how to be honest and tell the truth.
What do you tell your kids about relationships?
When they ask questions, we explain to them. I teach them what they need to know at certain stages of their lives so that it wouldn’t be outsiders that would tell them. We teach them how to talk to people, how to dress in public, and things to avoid. Also, I correct them when they watch programmes that are not appropriate for them.
I don’t believe in home helps because they are given a lot of responsibilities to the detriment of one’s children. Home helps do most of the work at home, so they are trained to be hard-working, disciplined, responsible and committed in the future, while one’s children become lazy despite the expensive schools they have been sent to. There should be a balance.
As an economist, politician and former banker, what do you tell your children about choosing a career?
We discuss issues around portfolio and basket, around the available choices. I ask them what they love. Their choices change but as time goes on, one would begin to identify their areas of strength, weakness, opportunities and threats. But I don’t force them; I only tell them the advantages and disadvantages of their choices but it is their choice to make.
Would you like any of them to become a politician in Nigeria?
No. None of them will become a politician because of my personal experience. I will encourage them to find areas where they can add value but not in politics; there are too many issues in politics.
What would you like men preparing for fatherhood to know?
They have to change their lifestyles to be family-focused. If their wives do not like smoking or taking alcohol, they have to adjust. For example, I was an activist and a unionist at school. But when I got married, I realised that unionism was not applicable at home because it would look like I was oppressing my wife. So, I had to change. I will encourage men to compromise here and there to ensure a peaceful home.
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