Nigerian Psychological Association President and an Applied Social Psychology Professor, Olukayode Afolabi, speaks to TOSIN OYEDIRAN on the multiple effects of divorce, most especially on the parents, couples, grandparents, society and other related topical issues
There have been numerous discussions and academic debates about the impact of divorce on children. Do parents or couples also experience post-divorce trauma and If they do, how are they best dealt with?
Divorce is caused by a conflict of interests among the involved parties. Unplanned and arranged marriages have an unprecedented power to decide the fate, success, and challenge of a union.
Conflict in marriages can be caused as a result of a variety of things, ranging from lack of commitment to infidelity, and so on. If a couple has been staying together for a while (some years) and suddenly there is a reason for them to divorce, the first and most prominent psychological trauma that wades in is increased unhappiness.
Another is that, as a result of the shift from the state of a couple to that of a divorcee, it becomes one person trying to survive alone. So, loneliness is another trauma worthy of consideration.
There will also be a lack of focus in everything the divorcee does. Even at work, the level of productivity decreases.
Other effects include a reduction in life satisfaction and anxiety, which may lead to depression. Depression, as widely reported, has increased globally and it is not just a Nigerian thing, which if not well tackled can lead to suicide – the ultimate post-divorce trauma.
Does societal perception evoke any trauma?
When you are lonely and have no one to talk to, especially because divorcees are perceived as irresponsible members of society, this is another issue that cannot be swept under the carpet.
According to our society’s standards, if you are married, you are responsible because it is assumed that being married and staying married mean both parties have been able to contain some things, keeping in mind that there are problems and other things to be tackled.
Hence, a lack of coping ability and willingness to tackle surfacing problems as they arise may also lead to divorce.
The issue of suicide attempts and depression may also arise if there is no one to provide social support—no friends, family, co-workers, or neighbours, which may lead to depression and then suicide. By the time one of them committed suicide, society then looks at the other partner as the cause, the murderer.
Frustration begets anger, and a majority of divorcees get angry easily because of their problem—causing transferred aggression, which in turn may affect a lot of other people, things, and activities—looking at everyone as the cause of their problem.
That is why, if you want to get angry, you shouldn’t quarrel with the people you see every day, like co-workers, neighbours, etc. This is because as soon as you see them, your anger becomes triggered—an open door to high blood pressure, which, if not taken care of, could lead to stroke. A divorcee in such a situation may not get a partner to take care of them and that may eventually lead to a quick, gradual, or slow but painful and regrettable death. It is part of the medical problem caused by divorce.
Should divorce then be left to fate or can it be managed?
Divorce is not something we can’t handle. Some things, however, if carefully looked into can prevent or address divorce effectively.
I do counsel some young men. You see, the usual thing is that a man should be older than his wife. In those days, during the days of our forefathers, a man could marry the daughter of his friends, and they would stay together for years and not quarrel. Whatever happened between them or whatever the wife did, the man will see it as “Oh! My daughter-well, she is a small child,” and he will overlook it.
Most of the time, marrying one’s age mate doesn’t work well. We may lack statistical support but the vast majority of those seeking my advice, I do tell them age is another factor, as is our financial stability too.
Nowadays, there are no really good jobs anywhere, and the unemployment rate is high, yet there may be parental or familial pressure to get married. You would see a young man who has no job and whose parents would force to marry, and they’d take charge of every other responsibility.
The parents take control of the custody of the couples themselves and their children, so the man does not have control over his home. The newly-married couple will stay under the same roof as the parents. Even the wife sees the husband as someone who is not capable since he cannot provide for her.
Another important thing for women is that if they want to marry, have a job of their own. Don’t marry because the man has a job or for love alone. A woman must ensure that she has something to do, no matter how little.
Our personality is another factor too. We must be mature. The best for couples is to have opposite personality characteristics, meaning when one is the hot type, the other is the cold type. They should not have the same personality characteristics.
Likewise, if the two of them are weak, they won’t be able to take charge of their home. They will not have control. Also, if both of them are the hot types, the house will always boil. That is why I always recommend that the husband and the wife should have extremely different personalities in marriage.
Also, parental influence is another factor that we need to look into to curb the rate of divorce. There are some families whose children are married but not yet released. The parents still believe that “He is our son; she is our daughter.”
As a result, those individuals (new couples) return to their parents and family members for guidance. Also, the family history of our partner is something we need to check again too.
Tackling them, financial resources and willingness are required.
How do divorcees navigate neglect and abandonment, societal stigmatisation and lack of companionship in their later years?
Well, coping strategies among individuals differ. It depends on the individual, on the personality where the person stays; and it also depends on the family of that individual. Some may start or increase their consumption of alcohol to cope. Some families may even request that the divorcee with children take custody of their children so that they can live a stress-free life.
Nowadays, with the level of education, I don’t think many divorcees even see divorce as something that will weigh them down with worries and sorrows any longer.
They have clinched to another partner – even if they are not marrying that person immediately after their divorce, just to spite their partner, sending a message that even if you divorce me, I have someone better than you. That might then be another coping strategy.
Does the payment or nonpayment of the bride price, the betrothal gift, the dowry, and other similar payments have any impact on divorce rates and the preservation of marriages in African communities and other parts of the world?
It certainly does! To have full custody of the woman, the payment of the dower is of importance. In almost every culture, they look at it as very important and only when it has been paid in full, which is when you can lay claim to being a married man. So, that is why it is important for somebody who has gone to meet the spouse’s family to release their daughter’s hands in marriage and undergo the marriage rites.
In that situation, if there is any storm rocking or about to, the two families must be able to come together, pool the necessary support, and prevent that.
In the olden days, even when there was a crisis, the parents would come together and say “no, this is how to go about it.” The in-laws can come together, talk, and interact because they know one another. So, if at all, there would be a problem, it would be minimal, just like the divorce rate in the past.
Do sharing finances, running businesses together, and having joint accounts among couples have any effects on the likelihood of divorce during certain stages of a couple’s life?
This is a good question. We are also unable to confirm this. When we talk about joint accounts, it depends. Well, personality is an issue here. It is a very important thing. Okay, someone like me now, no matter the love or how many years we’ve been together, I can’t operate a joint account.
For couples to agree on a joint account means there is love and trust. It means they have agreed and must have understood each other. I think that should be the most obvious reason because there are couples who do so very early in marriage and without giving it adequate thought.
Trust that he/she is not the type that spends money anyhow, drinks anyhow and all sorts. Not that, by the time one takes a look at the account, money has been spent without the other partner’s knowledge.
One thing that might lead to divorce among married couples with joint accounts is if the man marries another wife. That is it, because if they have been coping for a while and suddenly such intent begins to set in and thoughts of how to share the little property they have begin to set in, then there is suspicion that the man is trying to marry another wife. The woman may think that it’s our money that will be used to finance such a marriage. This might lead to divorce.
Then, if the issue of extra-marital affairs sets in or having a child out of wedlock is discovered by the woman, this, too, may lead to divorce. Such things can bring about a problem. Just like among women too, the man eventually finds out that the woman has a child or two before marrying him. It can be a big problem.
When parents divorce each other, another sort of divorce occurs between the parents and their children. How true is it that in most cases, divorced fathers, especially non-custodial fathers, do not fare well with their children?
It is partly a legal question because it is the court that rules on who takes custody of the children but usually, if the children are under six years of a particular decided year, the father cannot take custody of the children. What the court encourages is to set a particular amount, a kind of allowance to be paid monthly for the children’s care.
If they are grown and can cook, bathe on their own, and do their washing and other chores, then they would let the father take custody of the child.
When the father takes custody of the child, nobody pays anything. The mother can’t be asked to pay for anything. This is because it’s the father’s responsibility to take care of the children.
However, the court prohibits the custodial parent from preventing or thwarting attempts to see the child(ren).
We have seen situations when the woman would go and see the children in the former husband’s custody and the family bond will be rekindled by the innocent children who, with tears or words, begin to query why the dad let the mum go – and all sorts of repercussions follow. And from there, they will settle and go back to court, saying that they want to come back.
As you can see, the children and their parents are naturally separated. And so it also depends on the children. If the father is the custodian of the children, then there is also a separation from the mother. It goes both ways; it is vice versa.
With only two genders in mind—male and female—who initiates and causes divorce the most? Also, is there a specific age at which couples outgrow divorce, a stage in their relationship, or a specific marriage year?
Well, that is just a human assumption that when couples stay together for years, they cannot divorce. We have seen some, even though they are few, on several occasions – a forty-year marriage, yet they’d still divorce. As a result, there is no set age or number of years in a marriage when divorce is no longer an option or has outgrown.
The only thing is, the longer the years of marriage, the less the possibility of marriage.
However, in contemporary times or, for the young, the first year is the time when divorce can take place. The reason for this is that they may not truly have known each other well enough during their days, months, or years of courtship. (That is, if they even court at all).
Therefore, it was only after the marriage that they would get to see the true colour of each other. As a result, that true colour may no longer be appealing to the other partner, and they may attempt to begin coping to see if there are any changes.
You know, habit is a powerful thing—and some things can’t be hidden forever, for instance, smoking, womanising, etc. So you are this. So, the nagging begins and divorce intent sets in.
Some parents and friends try to convince the other party to stay and cope. Before you know it, the first child comes in, then the second, and even maybe a third. When there is no change, eventually divorce happens. And that is why most divorcees usually have two children. It is common. We can’t rule it out for the elderly for whatever reason.
What are the less obvious and important but still detrimental effects of divorce?
Well, we have so many but I will talk about some. As we have the physical aspect of the effect of divorce. When someone is divorced, there is a high probability that they will do most things alone.
For a man, going to markets, and stores, doing other errands, cooking, and other chores he was not used to, becomes his task. And if he is the custodial parent of the children, he has additional tasks to complete in the morning, day, and night. The burden becomes his alone, and if care is not taken, his immune system becomes weak, and it gets to a stage where, under any severe weather condition, the person will fall sick.
Also, because of the increased level of stress, they will be prone to heart disease. These are underlying effects that must not be overlooked, even if they are not readily apparent or to be expected as a result of divorce. For instance, someone who returns from the office and is always served food and tended to become someone who can’t access this.
Another thing is that it may also lead to weight loss as a result of the higher rate of burning energy in their bid to survive.
Then, when we talk about self-esteem too, theirs might become low. You begin to doubt the things you can do alone as to whether you can achieve this or that.
Where exactly do we find psychologists, and are their services really affordable? And what would you think about or say about opting for older people’s wisdom and experience? Do you see it as a viable alternative?
To me, I will say both are quite important. That is why they say, “The words of the elders are words of wisdom,” especially those who must or might have passed through such or know someone who has.
Most of the time, it works if you listen to their counsel.
Because I have even watched a video clip some time ago where a lady divorced her husband and went to her father’s house, met with the mother, and outpoured her grievances and complaints, especially that the husband was seeing another woman. Then the mother quizzed; “Don’t you know your father used to bring women to this house, and I’ve never fought him in my life?”
She also said, ‘’I made that significant sacrifice, and it is the reason we are still together. Go back to your own husband’s house and make sacrifices too.’’
So, before it becomes irreparable and irredeemable, seeking advice from the elderly can play a significant role.
And as regards the proximity and availability of psychologists, we have them everywhere and we are working towards establishing a platform that would have clinical psychologists to assist anybody that has any problem and would need the service of a psychologist, free of charge. It will be finalised in earnest. We would have our members attend to people online. We are working on the legal aspect. When it comes to online counselling, litigation might arise from situations like, “I was counselled to do this; I was counselled to do that and, as a result, has led to this.” Or in cases where I learnt, read, or heard about something and felt like I was the subject of conversation, and you were the only person I discussed it with. Confidentiality matters.
So, we are at the final stage of that so that people can consult psychologists free of charge, any day, any time. That one will help a lot because it will open the client’s eyes to a lot. They would see where things went amiss and where they were wrong themselves, and how to solve the problem.
And again, we have private psychological clinics rendering the services, and yes, they are licensed. It is only up to you to identify the genuine ones and differentiate them from the roadside or unintentional psychologists simply because they completed a psychology-related course or two while in school.
Is there any effect of divorce on the grandparents-grandchildren relationship?
Divorce has multiple effects on the divorcee, parents, and grandparents, including some family members and the majority of these effects, are negative.
It might hinder the children from visiting them, playing around them, and celebrating special occasions together. They won’t have the opportunity.
And in some cases, it becomes a fortune to them when the custodial parent transfers the children’s care to their parent in return (i.e., the grandparent).
Usually, the effect on them is minimal. It may, however, lead to a financial burden, especially if they are not financially buoyant.
If there are any divorcees’ emotional and psychological stability procedures, what are they, and are they immediate, gradual, short-term, or long-term?
The long-term solution is quite different from the short-term one. You know, when couples freshly divorce, the first thing that we need to do is to make them realise and identify what the problem is. It could be a solvable problem, either long-term or short-term in nature.
Then, how to help them stabilise and understand that this is the problem and that this is the best way to get around it. This is because we have seen cases where, after these therapeutic procedures, divorced couples get reunited again. We let them know that it is not a permanent problem. You can still come back if you are still willing, but for now, you have to cope (survive).
Also, helping them to overcome the sense of guilt that comes afterwards—helping them answer and evade questions like, “Am I the cause of the divorce?”
The identity crises would also set in – like, how do I get myself into this problem? Conflicting memories of how they got to meet and all sorts of other things that led to their union also set in. These are the things you can do to help us solve those problems.
With that said, how true is the hypothesis that children of divorced parents or those from consensual marriages are more likely to divorce than those whose parents do not divorce?
You see, divorce is not something that can be authoritatively said to be learnt from parents or family members. Divorce can happen at any point in time.
You cannot lay claim that children of divorced parents are most likely to divorce or get divorced too, as there is no research data that shows that. There has been no research done in that area that confirms that. For me, I have not done any research in that area, and I have not read any to back that up.
What I know is that divorce can happen to anyone at any time, even those whose parents did not divorce—once they come across the wrong partner, they can divorce.
What does coping with post-divorce trauma cost?
Before we can say these are the ways to cope with this post-divorce trauma or that, we need to know what caused the divorce-the divorce intent.
For example, if it is coming up as a result of battering, the mode of handling will be different from that of lack of finances or infidelity.
However, our utmost question, which begs for an answer, is, how would they cope? The answer is, simply put, that they will need social support, as much as they can get, to tackle the problem of loneliness.
Another is that no partner should take total custody of the children without allowing the other to get access to them because it is their children. No one should use divorce as an excuse to prevent that from happening.
There should be mutual agreement on how to take care of the children – as that would also solve some of the problems (post-divorce).
It is not that the woman should be in the custody of the children, and she is not even financially capable, which would lead to another problem.
