SHARON OSAJI engages fathers to recount their unique experiences during their wives’ baby deliveries and how they handled the period in their lives and marriages
As heavily pregnant women thronged the lobby of Ayinke House, the clinical wing of the Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology of the Lagos State University College of Medicine at the Lagos State University Teaching Hospital, Ikeja, their husbands were not far behind.
Soon the women disappeared. Some had gone for their consultations with the gynaecologists, while others proceeded to the first floor, ready to put to bed. But all the men who followed their partners to the hospital were left in the lobby.
From the cashier to the e-payment attendants and finally the hospital pharmacy, the men navigated their way, sorting out bills and picking up medications for their pregnant wives.
Among the lot was a middle-aged man wearing a multi-coloured T-shirt and a pair of jeans, with a green face cap.
He appeared restless, as he shuttled between the payment stands and the pharmacy, sweating profusely.
About five minutes after he made his way through to the e-payment stand, his wife appeared, heavily pregnant and wearing a white loose gown. Her legs were swollen and her hair was unkempt.
She approached her husband and attempted to take an item out of the pink hospital bag that he carried.
But soon after, a nurse appeared, dishing out an order.
“Mrs Uchenna, please drop your hospital bag with your husband and follow me now. We don’t have time,” the nurse said.
As he hugged his wife, the middle-aged man said in Igbo, “Don’t worry, go with her. I will see you soon.”
The lady held on to her husband a bit longer with her eyes shut, probably fighting off a contraction, then released a sigh, held her waist and followed the nurse.
Mr Uchenna returned to the e-payment stand before proceeding to take a seat at the reception. He took out a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the sweat beads that had formed on his forehead.
But for Olusola Fatumbi, who had his daughter at Ayinke House years ago, the memory of his child’s birth still lives fresh in his head.
Fatumbi, 52, said the unforgettable experience made him appreciate women more after seeing the travails of a mother.
The man, who noted that he was with other men in the waiting area, said his wife stayed a while in the labour room and the nurses kept mute on her issue, which made his heart palpitate.
He said, “I waited and waited for the nurses to come out to tell me my wife had put to bed. Instead, they passed me by and called another man to congratulate him on successful delivery. Even people that came after me, their wives were giving birth and mine was still inside.
“Hours passed and whenever the nurses called my name, it was to go and buy one thing or the other for her. My heart was beating fast; I was tense and sweating. At a point, I didn’t even care about the child anymore; I just wanted my wife to be okay because she had stayed long in pain. I was scared.”
Fatumbi said when he was called the fourth time by the nurses, it was to tell him his wife had finally birthed a baby girl.
Smiling as he reminisced on the experience, Fatumbi said he was elated and felt like he could finally “breathe.”
According to him, the waiting period is ‘labour’ as well for men.
“The waiting period before the child comes is pure torture. Your mind keeps racing, thinking about what is going on in the labour room, especially when you are not allowed to go in there with your wife.
“But in all, it is a great experience for men and it makes you, as a man, appreciate women more for all they go through for the family,” Fatumbi reminisced.
Meanwhile, at the Eti-Osa Maternal and Child Centre, Mr Chike Uduak was the latest father in town.
As this reporter climbed up the stairs to the second floor where mothers who newly put to bed were admitted, Uduak was all smiles exiting the floor.
He carried his wife’s hospital bag on his shoulder while holding two food flasks in his right hand.
This reporter later found out that Uduak was the father of a three-day-old boy, who had been discharged from the hospital along with his wife.
“I am so excited,” Chike said as he spoke with Saturday PUNCH.
“It is not an easy experience. The anxiety that men go through is not a small matter at all; if one is not careful or strong enough, the man can even collapse,” he added.
Although it was not his first child with his wife, Chike said he could never get used to the experience.
“This baby is not our first child but the feeling is new every time. The anxiety, the racing heart, the blood rush, it is surreal every time. You just want your wife and child to be okay, while also running around to make sure everything they need is provided for.
“Childbirth, for me, has a way of drawing me closer to God and closer to my wife. I appreciate her more with every child she brings to the world. She is a strong woman and I respect her very much,” the young man said with a glowing smile across his face.
Men important during childbirth
The United Kingdom’s National Health Scheme notes that the most important thing a man can do is just to be there with his woman in labour.
The NHS says despite the many practical things a birth partner can assist with, their presence alone can contribute immensely to calming the woman in labour, as knowing that she is not alone through the process can be comforting.
“The most important thing your birth partner can do is just be with you,” the agency says.
It is also important for both husband and wife to talk things over as the due date for birth approaches.
This may include finding out what the woman would prefer during labour, the type of birth she would want and supporting her decisions.
Although there’s no way of knowing ahead what labour is going to be like, there are many ways a partner can help out.
The NHS, therefore, advises that the man can keep the woman company and help pass the time during the early stages of labour; hold her hand, wipe her face and give her sips of water; massage her back and shoulders, and help her move about or change position.
It adds, “Comfort her as labour progresses and contractions get stronger; remind her how to use relaxation and breathing techniques, perhaps breathing with her as well; support her decisions if she opts for an epidural (pain relief) or a caesarean session
“Help her explain to the midwife or doctor what she needs, and help them communicate with her, which can help her feel more in control of the situation; and tell the woman what is happening as the baby is being born.”
A midwife at the Eti-Osa Maternal and Child Centre, who asked to be identified only as Nurse Bolaji, said although men were not allowed into labour rooms in government hospitals, most women asked about their husbands from nurses.
She said, “It gives a sort of mental boost and assurance when women know that their family members, especially their husbands, are around, outside the labour room waiting for them. It gives them strength.
“Childbirth is not a joke; it is more mental than physical, and knowing that the person you love is around to cheer you on is a blessing for women.
On why men are now allowed into labour rooms, she said, “Most times, we need the men to go and buy some things for their wives, so we make sure that they are available to do all the running around and the woman is not distracted during labour.
“Also, we don’t let them come in so they can let the medical experts do their jobs in peace without interference. Not everybody can stand the sight of a woman giving birth. We don’t want men fainting or throwing up around.”
‘I handled my wife’s delivery’
While Nurse Bolaji stated that men are not allowed in labour rooms at general hospitals, 67-year-old Ademola Iroko said he handled the delivery of his fifth child himself.
Narrating the experience to Saturday PUNCH, Iroko, who lives in the Ikorodu area of Lagos State, said he was eating at his front porch that night with his wife when she suddenly went into labour.
“We went to the hospital and the doctor said my wife should go for a scan. After the scan, he told us that my wife would deliver through a caesarean section. We were both surprised because this was our fifth child and she had had the first four through normal delivery. We accepted our fate and went home.
“So, when the day came for delivery, there was no power supply and it was at night. We were both eating in front of the house. Suddenly, she stopped eating and held my hand. She said, ‘Daddy, I cannot get up again o’. I didn’t understand what was happening; I was still teasing her and told her to stand up so we could go inside.”
The white-bearded man paused and laughed, as he recalled the incident.
He took off his glasses, used a handkerchief to clean his face and wore them back.
Continuing he said, “I managed to help her up and we went into the house. It was only both of us at home and it was very late in the night. When we got inside, I was confused; I didn’t know what to do. I just started praying.
“My wife lay down on the bed and the next thing she said was that she wanted to poo. As she opened her legs, the baby just fell out on my hands. It all happened so fast,” Iroko said, wiping away tears as he laughed.
He added that he cleaned up the child and cut the umbilical cord himself.
After eight days, he took both the newborn and his wife to a hospital for examination, and the doctors and nurses were amazed at his story.
His wife and child were certified healthy, necessary medications were administered and they were asked to return home.
“That is why I always tell men that it is good for them to be in the labour room to see firsthand what their wives are going through because until you see it for yourself, you cannot understand.
“But men also are trying. Whenever they talk about Mother’s Day, I am always thinking about Father’s Day because fathers carry a lot of load on their heads. The mother will carry the child for nine months but the father will carry the child for 21 years.
“Many songs have been composed to celebrate mothers but the musicians need to compose more songs for fathers because we are trying. We deserve to be celebrated also,” Iroko added.
‘I developed high blood pressure’
For 58-year-old Godwin Otu, his wife was at the point of death during the delivery of their fourth child.
For his first child, he recalled not having enough money at the time, as he was the only one working.
He said, “For my first son, when he was to be born, we were very broke. There was no money at all to welcome the baby and that became another pregnancy of its own.
“The night, we saw the sign that the baby was about to come out. I started praying that the child should stay a little longer inside his mother because I had no resources to welcome the baby. It was so challenging that I started shaking.
“My wife was a student then, who had just finished her degree exams. All the bills were on my head. That is one of the burdens a father will carry, especially when it comes to bringing children into the world.”
He continued, “I was confused and after I took her to a hospital, I went to work. All through that morning till afternoon when she called that she had delivered, I was just wondering how I would meet up with the bill. Even the hospital bag was not complete.
“I could not concentrate at work and my boss himself saw that I was restless; he told me to leave the office. Without asking him, my boss then gave me money and that money sorted out most of the bills. That in itself was a miracle for me.”
But for Otu’s last child, money was not the problem this time. Death came knocking.
Rachael went into labour on a Sunday morning. The couple arrived at the hospital around 4am and remained there till 7pm. The dilation did not progress for the whole day.
“I was there with her in the hospital in the same room. I said all the prayers I could say and it was getting to the point that I was helpless. There was my wife and the baby inside, both of them were at risk. I called all my pastors to pray and nothing happened. There was no change.
“Then the doctors told me that they were going to try another alternative and they would have to operate on her because things were not looking good. This was somebody that had given birth to three children before. It sounded very absurd to me,” he added.
Initially, Otu said he didn’t agree to the operation and still had ‘faith’ that she would have a normal delivery.
But when he saw that his wife and the baby were weak and at risk of dying, he had a change of heart.
He said, “The baby’s breathing had dropped drastically; my wife was losing air as well; at this point, the tension, anxiety and worry grounded me. Everything I could do as a man, I had done; every prayer I could pray, I had prayed. I finally agreed for them to do the caesarean section.
“All I thought was, ‘Let me just recover my wife; if the baby would go, let the baby go.’ She was then rushed to the theatre. The doctors did the surgery and brought out the baby, who was already bluish.
“I was not even interested in the baby; I was just concerned about my wife. She was already unconscious, so all the nurses focused on her and just left the baby.”
Otu said his wife was stabilised and he was relieved when she was wheeled out of the theatre to the ward.
But everyone, including the nurses, had forgotten about the baby, who was left unattended to.
“It wasn’t until a nurse who was not even on duty noticed that there was a baby dropped somewhere; everybody focused on my wife and at this point, the baby was almost gone.
“She immediately rushed the baby into the incubator and alerted the other nurses and doctors that they needed to save the child too. That was how the child was saved. I believe that nurse was an angel in disguise,” Otu said, shaking his head as he remembered the incident.
The father of four said the burden of their child-birthing experience was not only on his wife alone, saying, “I carried it with her.”
He added, “It was a very challenging time for me. I’m naturally somebody that cannot withstand seeing another person agonising. During that period, I was already developing high blood pressure, white hairs popped out on my beard by force. But after everything came and went, I was fine. That was my last child.”
Early widower
While the pang of childbirth usually ends in joy for many couples, it was all a nightmare for Essien Essien, a secondary school teacher in Lagos State. He lost his wife during a caesarean section.
“My darling wife was a good and strong woman,” Essien said, as he buried his head in his hands.
“We had opted for an elective caesarean section since she had our first child through CS. It was only advisable that she gave birth to the second one through CS as well. Caesarian sections don’t stay too long, so I was expecting that in about 30 minutes the surgery would have been completed,” Essien added.
He said, “She was perfectly healthy and had no complaints in days, and even hours before the operation. We chose the date; so our minds were fixed and prepared for it. As usual, there was a bit of anxiety, but I tried my best to shake it off and be strong for her.
“As she was wheeled into the theatre, I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see my wife. In about 15 minutes later, I heard the voice of the crying baby. I was excited from outside and I expected that in the next few minutes, she would be wheeled out.”
But a few minutes soon became an hour, and instead of his wife coming out of the theatre, the surgeon approached Essien alone with a look on his face that said there was a problem.
“I’m sorry sir, there was a complication during the CS. Your wife did not survive the operation, she did not wake up. I’m so sorry sir,” Essien quoted the doctor as saying.
There was a long silence as he spoke with this reporter. A sob followed and then a sigh.
“I didn’t expect to be a widower at this stage of my life,” Essien said, taking another pause.
He continued, “I was left to raise two young children all by myself. It is still not easy. Thank God for the help of family and friends. I miss her every day; we had a lot of plans ahead of us.”
According to Essien, the newborn, who is now four years old, has a striking resemblance to his late wife.
Wife, child die
Similarly, a tech expert, Daniel Ojor, lost not only his wife but also his child when she was only five months pregnant.
Ojor was married for only six months.
He was 31 years old at the time, while his wife, Chinwe, was only 24 years old.
He said, “We got married in February 2019 and my wife took in the next month, that was in March. As a soon-to-be father, I was excited and happy that she got pregnant immediately.”
But along the line, things did not go as expected.
“Her pregnancy was very difficult and it was a huge burden on me. She developed pre-eclampsia (a high blood pressure disorder that can occur during pregnancy), and some parts of her body began to swell badly.
“We visited a hospital on one of her ante-natal days, and the gynaecologist called me into his office to tell me that her state had got quite critical and she would need to be placed under close monitoring. I was broken,” he added.
Ojor said Chinwe had a panic attack having heard what was discussed between him and the gynaecologist.
“We didn’t know that she could hear what we were saying from the other room where she was and immediately, she had a cardiac arrest. Before anything could be done to save her, she died right there and the baby as well,” Ojor said, as he battled the tears from dropping down his cheeks.
It has been three years since the incident but the 34-year-old said it had been difficult moving on.
He said although the time spent together was short, he cherished every moment of it and felt that they carried the pregnancy together.
“I was looking forward to being present in the delivery room with Chinwe; I wanted to experience it, but I am grateful for the six months we had together as a family. We carried that pregnancy together. I would massage her legs and back and bring her food to bed whenever she was sick.
“Pictures from our wedding still hang all over our house. I don’t think I can ever get over it anytime soon. The incident has left me scarred and traumatised for life. Fathers and fathers-to-be also go through a lot of mental and psychological issues,” he noted.
‘Childbirth, important experience for couples’
A Consultant Obstetrician and gynaecologist at the St. Ives Hospital, Dr Ede Edokpolor, believes that the support and care a man provides during labour is critical.
According to him, there is something the presence of the husband does that no doctor can do in vaginal delivery or caesarean sections.
“When the husband is there, the woman feels more secure and comfortable, especially if the husband is strong enough to share in the pain the woman is going through.
“We have discovered that women who have their husbands present, aside from feeling more comfortable with the doctors and the process, recover faster; the mother is encouraged to start lactation (breastfeeding) on time due to the support enjoyed, and the hospital admission time is also reduced,” he adds.
Edokpolor suggests that when it is noticed that the husband is becoming uncomfortable and frightened during delivery or vaginal examinations, he is encouraged to excuse the doctors.
He says, “Childbirth is an important experience for couples, especially for the husband who has not seen it before. We encourage the man to be there especially when the head is about to come out. In some cases, the husband is even asked to cut the umbilical cord.
“The experience promotes closeness and family bonding even for years to come. Every father should experience it.”
Also, a marriage and relationship counsellor, Olubunmi Ibidapo-Obe, says it is key for men to be present in labour rooms so they can share in the life-changing experiences with their spouses.
This, she believes, can reduce domestic violence and strengthen the family bond.
She notes, “Unlike in the time of our fathers who married many wives and had many children, there was no emotional attachment with the children. They just focused on work and were never present in anything that had to do with the children.
“But if a man goes with his wife into the labour room, his life can never remain the same, having seen the travails of a mother. When they have issues in their marriage and he flashes back on that day, it will be difficult for him to raise a finger to beat her up.
“It is very important for the man to be present. It is a good experience and it will breed respect, love, understanding and a healthy bond within the family.”
