Imagine a couple going on a date. The man has a fetid body odour, which is well circulated by the car’s air conditioner and wound-up glass, leaving the woman struggling to breathe. Or a man trying to give his lady a welcome hug only to realise that her hair is filthy and grimy, or her blouse emits a strong scent of powdery mildew.
At first, these might seem like superficial things that can be ignored, but when they become a pattern, the usual response from the other party is revulsion. This is why for many, poor personal hygiene is a deal breaker in a relationship.
Personal hygiene involves good oral health (white teeth and clean breath), a clean and fresh body, regular hand washing after going to a bathroom or touching dirty objects, and clean fingernails.
Beyond safeguarding one’s health from infectious diseases, personal hygiene also boosts one’s social level and a lack of it can lead to isolation and loneliness.
According to a therapist, Kurt Smith, quoted in the HuffPost, “Poor hygiene can have a big impact on relationships. Obviously, it can affect attraction and physical intimacy, but communication as well, as it can become a source of regular conflict. Ultimately, the issue can impact the level of connection and love felt between a couple.”
A fashion designer, Bidemi Abejoye, recalled how poor personal hygiene was a problem when she started dating her fiancé.
She said, “I had been seeing my man for a few months and I went to spend a couple of days at his place. When I first got there, I saw that he had run out of hand soap and toothpaste, so I went to buy these things from a shop nearby. But after spending about three days with him, I noticed that this guy didn’t take a shower.
“Each time I got close to him, I felt disgusted because he smelt so bad that I had to hold my breath around him. I kept asking him when he was going to take a shower and he kept saying soon.
“I stopped seeing him because of this and when he asked me, I pointed it out to him. He was embarrassed, but I stood my ground and since then he began to make efforts to take his personal hygiene more seriously.”
A father of two, Olawale Lawal, told our correspondent that it was difficult for him to be intimate with his wife when they newly got married.
“Our relationship started as a long-distance one, so I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. Then she relocated to my state shortly before our wedding.
“During our honeymoon, we couldn’t consummate our marriage for days because of the bad fishy smell and discharge from her private parts, which repelled me. She also had mouth odour, which made kissing her a difficult task.
“I naturally have a sharp sense of smell, so I was quick to notice this. I love her but I couldn’t stand the smell oozing from her and it made it difficult for me to be intimate as I should. I discussed this fishy odour with a friend who works in a laboratory and he informed me that it could indicate an infection.
“I discussed it with her also and we both agreed to do something about it. She went for tests and she was given medicines and she also saw a dentist over the halitosis. That was how these things were tackled and they no longer caused an issue in our marriage. Knowledge makes the difference,” he said.
Unfortunately, for Mabel Udoh, a physiotherapist, things were a bit more complicated in her relationship and poor personal hygiene made her quit it.
“I was dating this man who got his own place about five months into our relationship. Occasionally, I visited his place to cook for him since he couldn’t and each time I entered his kitchen, a bad smell always came out of there. The plates and pots would be lying there in the sink for days, unwashed and I would have to wash them for him.
“The state of his bedroom was another story. Dirty cobwebs at the corners and across the ceiling; his clothes would be packed into one corner all rumpled up and he wouldn’t wash his bed sheets and pillowcases until they begin to smell like wet dogs. When I complained, he smiled and said all men are like that and that was why they needed women in their lives.
“One day, I was giving him a massage and I turned him over to lie on his stomach and suddenly my nose caught the odour coming out of his behind; it was faeces. It became clear to me that he wasn’t cleaning up properly after using the restroom. It was at that point that I walked out of the relationship. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life perpetually ‘mothering’ a man nine years older than I am.”
Commenting on the different causes of poor hygiene, a marriage counsellor, Mrs Esther Banwo, pointed out that couples needed to get to the root causes in order to work out a solution.
She said, “There is the background factor. Marriage is the coming together of two people from separate backgrounds, so it’s possible that one background would involve a level of cleanliness while in another background, there would be little or no cleanliness and when an adult raised in such an environment internalises this, it becomes a norm for him or her.
“There is also the social factor, especially in our culture where many girls are often raised to observe a standard of personal hygiene but boys are given the allowance to do whatever they want. That is why you will often hear people say it is ‘feminine’ for a man to use deodorant or groom himself. Such a notion normalises poor hygiene and ties it to ‘true’ masculinity.
“There is also the medical or physical factor which is not really the individual’s fault; for instance, cases of infections or disorders. However, intending couples must thrash out these issues before marriage and they should see each other in the light of day, not just when they are both dressed up and looking good.
“Finally, there is the mental factor too. It could be rooted in a poor self-image – when a person sees himself in a certain negative way, he will most likely treat himself to what he has been made to see himself as. Couples need to know the root causes first and address the effects.”
In an article on the Healthline website, a clinical psychologist, Melissa Jones, was quoted as saying poor personal hygiene could also be a result of depression.
“A lot of people struggle to do basic hygiene tasks when depressed. This can include showering, washing their hands, brushing their teeth, doing laundry, or brushing their hair.
“They report not having enough energy to do simple self-care tasks, such as brushing their teeth or washing their hair. Many of them do not take care of their personal hygiene needs unless they are reminded by a family member to do so.
“Major depression is often characterised by a diminished interest in activities, as well as fatigue. In other words, you probably have little motivation or energy to maintain hygiene while depressed,” she said.
An online relationship counsellor, Mathi Surendran, on her website, described personal cleanliness as playing a subtle but definite role in people’s married life. She also listed a number of steps for couples to take.
She wrote, “Many psychologists say that lack of personal hygiene in marriage sometimes wrecks your relationship. Before marriage, both are concentrated on your looks and the way both behaved towards each other.
“But after marriage, personal hygiene is thrown to the winds. Before marrying your spouse you are enamoured by the outer appearance of him\her. But after marriage, you find your spouse not so appealing. Why? All because he\she does not have good personal hygiene.
“How to maintain good personal hygiene in marriage? Is it a very difficult thing, considering the hectic lifestyle you lead? No. Not at all. It is just a habit you can easily cultivate. You should definitely follow it if you want to enjoy all the aspects of a good marriage.
“Be well-groomed and have a bath twice a day. Don’t dig your nose right in front of your spouse, do it in privacy. Keep your hair neat and healthy, watch out for bad breath. Never ever wear dirty clothes. Bad body odour makes your sex life uninteresting and boring. Concentrate on your personal cleanliness and hygiene. You will be amazed how much it adds satisfaction to your marital happiness.”
The co-founder of Keeping Marriage Alive Initiative, Dr Richard Okonkwo, during an interview with our correspondent, also suggested steps that could be taken by couples with poor personal hygiene issues.
He said, “It is important to eliminate all body and mouth odour (by brushing twice a day morning and evening). After the day’s work, have a shower at night. Also, after heavy cooking, especially for women, having a refreshing clean bath and applying a body spray will help.
“It is important for men and women to wear clean and well-fitted clothes. Women should have it at the back of their minds that men, in the course of their work, see ladies dressed corporately and attractively always, so coming home to see their wives tying wrappers puts them off.
“Your physical environment is also very important and both spouses must work collectively to maintain a clean and tidy environment in the living room, kitchen and bedroom. The home front if kept dirty would attract insects, roaches, and pests and expose everyone to illness.
“The home is a nest, a place of comfort and refreshing, but if kept perpetually untidy would look like a market where each of the spouse would not be enthusiastic to come back to; it is a big turn-off and there would be no sexual intimacy in such an environment.
“Apart from keeping the home clean and orderly, occasionally lighting the bedroom with candles, lining up petals and soft music would bring out the best in you both.”
Okonkwo added that couples should not blame their spouses for their dirty environments, but should do something to improve the situation.
“You could hire a home help or a housekeeper that comes and goes after cleaning up the home or simply make yourself available to help your spouse and share the duties,” he added.
On his part, a guidance and counsellor researcher, Mr Dennis Odaibo, said couples who wished to change bad habits needed to guard against passivity.
“Beating poor personal hygiene involves the mind. If the mind is passive, it will know what it is supposed to do, but will rarely get around to doing it. For instance, passivity could be behind the refusal to do the dishes or take out the trash bin.
“These tasks could look simple to some of us, but to some other people, it could be difficult. Also, if someone has become used to some tasks being performed on his or her behalf by someone else, there is every tendency for the mind to become passive regarding that task. So, it starts from the early stages of raising a child into adulthood.”
