He was one of the ‘big boys’ working for an international oil company with a branch in Port-Harcourt. Dele invested 17 years of his work life in the oil industry as an engineer. Quite frequently, the nature of his assignment took him off base away from his wife, Loretta, and his 82-year-old mother fondly called “Mama” living with them. Between his professional assignment and adjunct personal businesses, the young man was swamped silly.
Call Dele Mama’s boy and you will not be in error. He is the only child of his parents. When he was about four years old, his dad, a small-scale produce merchant, died in a ghastly auto accident on his way to Minna. From that tender age, mama picked up the responsibilities of nurturing Dele by herself. She refused to remarry but instead dug deep into her palm-oil and cow skins business in Ilesha. Mama was very good at what she did. She was able to build a small 2-bedroom house for herself and Dele from the proceeds of the business. It was from the same source of income that Dele was put through elementary and university education. Dele remembered Mama’s days of sweat, struggle, and toil to get him to where he is in life.
For many years, Mama fought the idea of living with her only son. Even her visits to the family in Port Harcourt were rare. In her life dictionary, visiting Port Harcourt even for a few days was an invasion of his son and daughter -in-law’s privacies. Over the years, the natural ageing process caught up with Mama like it does to every breathing being. But with Mama, it happened not so kindly. She suffered a few bodily afflictions. Bones had gotten weak, gaits had gotten more unsteady, and memory was replete with lapses. But Mama still refused to move in with her son until she could no longer make rational decisions for herself. For some years, Mama had lived with her busy businessman son and kindhearted daughter-in-law who took her in as her own mother.
Whether they are our parents or very close loved ones, caring for the aged is an enormous task. Its wear-and-tear on the caregiver is untold. Geriatric caregiving is not a job for everybody. For many who see it as an honor and duty, it is fulfilling. In Nigeria, it is more than a tradition to look after our parents in their old age. You may be a renter of a one-bedroom shanty called an apartment; or an opulent owner of a sprawling palatial mansion called a country home; for many Nigerians; it’s a honor and duty to take care of aged parents who brought us into this world; and they must live at home with us.
My stint in geriatric care here in the United States spanned over 20 years. Administering medications for age-related illnesses, offering general daily care, and helping in activities of daily living opened the eyes of my heart to the emotional rollercoaster involved in taking care of the elderly. Before I stepped aside from that world 15 years ago, I learnt that both the patients and caregivers must learn endurance during the caregiving process.
Family members who choose the nursing home for their aged and sick parents aren’t necessarily insensate. Choices are made based on each family’s circumstances. Aside from busy and hampering work and business schedules, many people have resolved that their elderlies are better cared for in a facility where interactions with folk in the same age cohort necessitate inner and emotive motivations that enhance their well-being. Immediate and easy access to medical care is also another factor many consider, especially if the parents have complicated age-related medical conditions that require professional medical attention that’s not readily available at home. The traditional way of caring for the elderly at home isn’t an easy road to travel. Even with my professional experience, it was emotionally tough to see my once vibrant and active mother slide into complete dependence on strangers. It was traumatic. That is the unfairness of old age.
How best can you care for your parents in their old age in a way that will make their final years on earth the most fulfilling and dignifying? Ensure their needs are met. As they age, their needs aren’t just physical or medical, they are emotional. Frequent visits and constantly engaging them in outdoor activities where they meet with others and reminisce over sweet memories of the past are uplifting. As their physical being sloughs off, and social circle diminishes, the feeling of isolation and loneliness begins to set in.
Family members should make time for their elderly loved ones as much as they can. Visits must be regular. Phone calls must be frequent. Making provision to take their grandchildren to them or, in parts of the world where technology makes it possible; arranging regular video calls with them on Zoom, Google Meet or Skype goes a long way to bolstering their emotions. Social life is an instiller of energy and power into the elderly. It improves their well-being, morale, and mental health. It also gives them a sense of belonging.
I conclude this treatise with a testament. My grandmother was 110 years old when she passed on. As the ageing process took a toll on her, she was taken care of by everybody. And she died at home, not in a nursing home. The same way my dad eased out of this world. Many family members were around him at home. Same way my mum ended her earthly journey. Her children, grandchildren, and family members were around her until she breathed her last at home. It’s a virtuous way to say bye-bye to this cruel world. That was our family’s choice.
I am certain that somebody reading this would like to know what happened to Dele, Loretta, and Mama in the story I expressed at the outset of this treatise. It was a tough one for Loretta, a young woman who had to stay at home taking care of her mother-in-law. But, for once, she never complained. But her visiting friends and members of her family saw the negative effect of an almost sedentary life all over her frail body. The observation was followed by counseling that flowed freely. Loretta’s family and friends wanted her to urge Dele to consider putting Mama in a nursing home. But Loretta knew where the heart of her husband was regarding Mama. It took her over a year before she could muster the inner strength to run the idea past her husband. The answer was expected.
“Nursing home, Loretta? Not my mother;” Dele was firm and definitive in his response.
Loretta’s husband vowed that if he had to resign his job and join his wife to take care of his mum, he was prepared to do so. He vowed that in their house and on his lap, Mama would die. That was exactly what happened a few years later. Mama died 12 days after her 85th birthday.
Twitter: @FolaOjotweet
