Veteran artiste, Sunny Neji, tells TEMITOPE ADETUNJI how parenting affected his musical career
When you reflect on your experiences as a dad, what would you say fatherhood is?
There isn’t one word that can capture the definition of fatherhood because fatherhood is broad. You can have a child and yet not be a father to the child. So, fatherhood means leader, provider, mentor, spiritual guide, protector, and defender. That is what I understand as fatherhood.
What do you love most about being a father?
It is the opportunity to be a part of this world, and a part of what keeps the world going, the opportunity to be part of what gives the world direction and harmony. It is the opportunity to be part of the beauty that God created. When you come to this world and leave, you feel that you have an opportunity to create an impact; these are the things I love about being a father.
Is there a difference between how you were raised and how you are raising your children now?
There must always be a difference. You know the only constant thing as they say is change, so of course, there will always be a difference. Most of the things I learnt when I was younger will be part of the things I will instill in my children and much more too because of the kind of person that I am. My parents didn’t allow me to go haywire, I instilled the morals I learnt from my parents in my children to guide them properly and to lead them properly.
What part of your parenting experience will you describe as most challenging?
I started training them (my children) very early because I understand the concept of raising children. There is a time to everything, and if you miss the time, it might become challenging, but if you do everything at the right time, it becomes a wonderful experience.
For instance, the right time to train a child, to make it easier for you to lead the child, for the child to see you as a model, and take your advice, is when they are very little, around five years old; that is the best age to mould a child.
If you miss the first opportunity, after five years, you still have another opportunity until they are seven years old. If you miss that, you still have a little opportunity until they are 11 years old. My first child is 22 years old. I have instilled good morals in my children right from a very young age.
What happens when that window of opportunity is missed?
If you miss it again, by the time they are over 11 years old, then you have a problem and it becomes very challenging because they already have their opinions; they have a mindset. There is a way they want to do their things which will conflict with anything you want to introduce to them.
I had to make sure that I did everything when I was supposed to do it. There is a time to guide them. There is a time to feed them the right information, there is a time to set them on the right path and I was able to do that by the grace of God because I understood it quickly. I know there are a whole lot of parents having challenges with their teenage children because they started that late or they didn’t realise it on time.
I have already passed the values that I think are necessary to them. That is, knowing God and the fear of God, love for themselves and their family, confidence in themselves, and the ability to pursue the things that they want to do, with zeal and commitment.
How did you determine it was the right time to start a family when you did?
Well, for me, it was when I got married. I didn’t determine it by myself, and it wasn’t that I planned that I was going to get married at a particular time. The time just came and I just said okay that was the time I needed to get married, and it wasn’t preplanned. Some people say that they planned to get married and have children at a particular age, but it wasn’t like that for me because everyone’s path is different. I met someone and I felt that she was the right person and we got married.
Can you share the love story that culminated in the marriage with your wife?
I met the beautiful, charming lady at her place of work when she was working in a bank. So, I went to the bank to do my banking transaction, and a friend of mine who also works in the bank introduced us, and she (my wife) happens to be from my state too. I am from Cross River State, Ogoja to be precise. The very moment I saw her, the first thing I said to her was, “I would like to marry you, would you like to marry me?” It came out as a joke, but I am sure it was a spiritual feeling because it wasn’t like I planned it.
What was her response?
When I said that to her, she had a funny expression on her face because it sounded like a joke, but something in me told me she was my wife. So, we became friends and started courting and it didn’t get too long before we got married.
How did you feel when your wife told you she was pregnant?
Well, I believe that every marriage looks forward to the fruit of the womb. I was happy. Some people go through marriage for five to 10 years without having children. So, I was happy. I felt blessed, and I was excited that I was starting a family and the family was increasing. It was a beautiful feeling that one person would be joining us, and I was thankful to God.
Can you remember how exactly you felt holding your first child in your hands?
I was there at the hospital with my wife when she was having the child, even though I wasn’t permitted to enter the labour room. When she was pregnant, it looked like we carried the pregnancy together because every time she woke up at night and complained of pain, I was always there with her.
So, I was there with her at the hospital when she gave birth, and when I held my baby, it was the proudest moment of my life; I was so excited that I said to myself, “Thank God I now have my child.” So, it was a memorable moment indeed. I was very thankful to God.
Some people are particular about the gender of their first child. What was the situation for you?
For me, I wasn’t particular about the gender of my first child. I initially told God I wanted to have three children. I told God that whenever they came, all girls, all boys, girls, and boys, it didn’t matter to me. When my first child was born, it was a girl. I was very happy and to tell you the truth, gender doesn’t make any difference to me. Gender doesn’t count. The kind of importance that people place on it is not like that with me.
Are your other children also girls?
Yes, I have three girls.
Has becoming a father changed anything about you?
Yes, of course. I am more conscious now about my family. I know that I have a responsibility. I know that I have to be the leader of the family, the spiritual leader, the adviser of the family. I am the one who, when things are tough, everybody runs to, and I must have a solution to the problems of the family. It makes me more responsible and more considerate. Before making decisions, you are doing a lot of processing.
What impact has fatherhood had on your career as a musical artiste?
Being a father built my songwriting. It has impacted my creativity. Well, it has helped me to write better and more beautiful songs. A lot of people have not taken the time to listen to Sunny Neji, to listen to my body of works which are very much online. I know people know ‘Oruka,’ and ‘Tolotonlo’. There are other songs.
Did you have habits that having kids took away from you?
I can’t recall if I had any habits, but for me, not too much has changed because I wasn’t the type who loved attending parties. Yes, I attend parties but some people can attend parties from Sunday to Sunday; they love to attend parties, but my case wasn’t like that. I don’t think I have a habit that fatherhood has taken from me because to a large extent, I am an introvert, so nothing has changed that much.
It appears you slowed down a bit in your musical career. What have you been up to, are you still into music?
Yes, I am into music and I have been busy with my musical projects. I had a show a few days ago, and I have been attending different shows. I am still into music and I have not left music. My wedding song, ‘Oruka,’ is still trending at wedding parties. It is like a wedding anthem in Nigeria. If you go to most weddings, you will hear it.
Right now, we are working on some new materials to release. You know music is art and art is something you should keep doing as a singer until the day God calls you. If you are a footballer, you can retire. In other professions, you can retire but music is something you can keep doing as an artiste. It is very rare to hear that an artiste retired from their art. Artistes, most times, want to do it for as long as God gives them the energy.
When do you plan to launch your new musical project?
We are working on something right now; we’ve been working on it for quite a while, though we have some teasers. If you go to Spotify now and Boomplay, you will see the releases we dropped. We have not done elaborate promotions yet. One of them is, ‘Pour me water’.
How do you handle conflict among children so it doesn’t seem like you have a favourite among them?
It is very important. Let’s go back to what I said again. Initially, it is easier to set the foundation right. If the foundation is right, it is easier but if you didn’t lay the foundation, maybe in your kids’ teens, you might have to face a big problem. However, if the foundation is right, you will understand that there is a hierarchy and make sure everybody understands the hierarchy.
The older ones must treat the younger ones with love, and treat them with care, as the older siblings should know better. The older ones should correct the younger ones with love, and the younger ones should respect their older siblings and see them as their older siblings, take instructions from them, and love them. I taught my kids not to be selfish but to be considerate of one another. So, it is easy if as a parent you laid the foundation right, but if the foundation is not right, there will be a problem. Every day, you keep shouting and screaming, doing all the kinds of things you are not supposed to do.
Is it healthy for parents to have favorite children?
No, it is not healthy. Every one of your children must be your favourite and they must all know that. If you need to discipline a child, discipline them because they did wrong. Let them know why you are disciplining them, and don’t choose to discipline one and spare the other because they are the favourite. For everything you do, you have to make sure it is equal; your love must be equal, your discipline must be equal, your guidance must be equal, your attention must be equal. They are all your children. You cannot singular some out and term them as your favourite; it is not very healthy.
How do you create time for your kids to bond with them?
Wherever I am, I am still connected to my family. A family that prays together stays together. They are always the first people to always listen. I try to make sure I carry my family along in everything I do.
Have you seen any signs that any of your children will follow in your career footsteps?
Well, they all sing. In fact, far better than me. They are very creative too. If anyone is going to take after my profession, I don’t know yet but singing is a natural talent for them.
What method of discipline have you adopted in correcting your children when they err?
Much earlier in their lives, I didn’t spare the rod, When the rod was necessary, I used it, when the tongue was necessary, I used the tongue to lash them. When it was about encouragement and guidance, I did that too. I did everything necessary to make sure that I raised them properly, but now that they are much older, of course, I do not need the rod again. Now, we are like friends.
When they were younger, we were not friends, because there is a time to be friends with your kids. Now, we are friends, we understand a whole lot of things, we can share ideas, we can rob minds, we can see things from different perspectives and think about it to get understanding, we share our opinions, and now we learn from each other.
