One of the most profound statements about marriage is the one where Apostle Paul says those who marry will “have trouble in the flesh.” Paul, one of the Church’s early leaders, delivered some of the most enduring doctrines of Christianity. He was answering questions from some of the faithful on the idea of singleness, virginity, marriage, divorce, widowhood, and the like. These adherents saw him as an emblem of the faith and sought directions on conducting themselves.
The Apostle advised that while it was good for people to remain unmarried as he was, those who could not control their sexual urges should get married. In other words, taking a spouse would save such people from the sin of sexual immorality. He spoke about other advantages of marriage, counselled married people about how to treat each other, and warned them that ‘trouble” comes with the territory.
There are, of course, a few other information one could glean from the Holy books about marriage. For instance, from the story of creation, there are indications God instituted marriage was for companionship between man and woman. He also brought together to help each other and, probably most importantly, to procreate. By God’s original desire and blessing, man and woman should: “Be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it…” Marriage is, therefore, filled with benefits, which should understandably inspire the desire to marry. The Apostle, however, admonished that while his followers embrace the benefits, they must understand that challenges do attend marriage.
And, thinking about it, this fact isn’t far-fetched at all! Even if there is no other reason, the coming together of two personalities from different families, orientations, and perceptions of life could be a determining, even fatal, challenge.
I recently attended a wedding where the preacher spoke about the tension in his home in the first few months of marriage. According to him, his wife would finish cooking, serve the food on plates, go back to the kitchen to tidy up, and return to the living room to see that her husband had finished eating!
She didn’t speak about it for a while, but the husband noticed she was withdrawn. Madam, sufficiently frustrated after a few weeks, blurted out to her husband about his bad behaviour! He was mortified but explained that he didn’t mean harm. He came from a home where food wasn’t much, so everyone “attended” to their portions without delay. “There were no dining tables; you got your food, moved to a corner, and quickly ate it before you heard any story…” he explained. On the contrary, his wife grew up in a small family where everyone waited for everyone to sit at the table, and eating began after someone blessed the food in appreciation of God’s provision! This new couple came from totally diverse backgrounds, and the food issue, as trivial as it sounds, could have brought the end of that family if the wife hadn’t spoken out or, even after she did if the husband had waived her complaint. I have read stories about husband and wife breaking up because someone prefers to press the toothpaste tube from the middle rather than the bottom, as the other party preferred! Those who marry will have troubles, sometimes minor trouble, sometimes big trouble, but in it all, the principle of marriage is to bear it “till death do us part!”
This idea of sticking together through it all is why children should not get married. By children, I do mean actual adolescents, but those who, through their immaturity, suffer extended adolescence, which makes them unprepared for the reality of marriage.
Unfortunately, people marry for every reason other than the psychological preparedness that marriage requires these days. From the tantrums thrown onto social media lately, people get married for all sorts of reasons. Some people think they should get married because they have lots of money. Some get married because they have met a physically attractive or a chaste person! Some get married because all their friends have tied the knot or because their family or friends mount the pressure. Marriage under most of these circumstances crumbles when they face essential challenges because of their lack of mental readiness.
Regardless of every capacity building and preparedness, however, marriages still fail often. When this happens, it will be evident that it is not due to a lack of trying but circumstances beyond the couple’s control.
Even then, skills and maturity developed over the years determine how individuals deal with the situation. When things are broken down to the extent such estranged couples cannot remain friends, they maintain a dignified silence concerning what they shared in the past and their families and friends. Where children are involved, they continue to co-parent them and bring them up to be responsible for themselves and society.
However, this is the opposite in the case of some relationship breakdowns that have recently occurred on social media. When these immature people are not spilling disgraceful information about how they met and under what conditions they got married, they are raining curses on one another and entertaining the public with disgusting secrets that anyone worth getting married should hold back. They will drag themselves in the mud and bring their children and every memory they should otherwise cherish into the fray. They become shameless in their bid for self-justification and feed the public with obscene details that invariably ridicule the marriage institution.
Now, there is the temptation to conclude that marriage, its breakdown, and how people manage themselves after that are personal issues that shouldn’t bother others, and that is true to some extent. But what do we do when parties in these domestic scuffles bring themselves into the public place, throwing shades on the internet, disregarding the fact that the internet does not forget?
Even more than that is the effect of collapsed families on the national psyche and development. The family is the first agent of socialisation for children, and the breakdown in national values, as we currently see in Nigeria, results from the corruption of the family unit.
On Wednesday, newspapers quoted the Chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, Ola Olukoyede, worrying that seven of every 10 students in Nigeria are now involved in cybercrimes! That is not to speak about violent crimes like kidnapping, ritual killing, addictions to drugs, and others that young people directly engage in.
While we can argue that stable marriages aren’t necessarily a guarantee that children will be well brought up and imbibe the correct values, a happy home where the father and mother are available presents more prospects for children to turn out well, and even when the husband and wife don’t live together, co-parenting their children allows them to savour the love, nurture, discipline, and values that each of the parents brings to the table.
According to the Encyclopaedia on Early Childhood Development, some of the problems include academic difficulties, including lower grades and prematurely dropping out of school, and disruptive behaviours (e.g., being oppositional with authority figures, getting into fights, stealing, and using and abusing alcohol and illegal drugs), are associated with separation, divorce, and other ill-managed challenges of marriage. Children and adolescents with separated or divorced parents also have higher rates of falling into depression, lower self-esteem, and emotional distress.
This is why Nigerians must pay attention to their relationships and how failure to do this contributes to the country’s underdevelopment. First, people must be psychologically, emotionally, financially, and otherwise ready before contemplating marriage. Pressures from family peer pressure and ego trips should not be incentives for marriage. It is the same with child-rearing; people must be prepared to care for the children they bring forth, whether they are married to the other parent or not. The health of society ultimately depends on what we do with our families, and it behoves us to be responsible.
